Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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