You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I need to stop coming to work sober
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
