Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
