His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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