I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
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