Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize