now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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