yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
