just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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