Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
