if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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