when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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