New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
