tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
