so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
