I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
