I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
