You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
