dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
