To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
