i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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