So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
