If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
