The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Randomize
