You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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