I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
