I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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