I could make wine with my vomit
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize