We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
