Four minutes until I can fart!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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