Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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