And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize