I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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