This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
