I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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