Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
