I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
