I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
