It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
