oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
