I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize