youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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