You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
