im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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