I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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