Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
