new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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