We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
