During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
