Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
