he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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