We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
