Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
