Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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