for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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