I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
