i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
