there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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