My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
