Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize