i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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