its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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