Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
