That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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