you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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