So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
