They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
