I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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