the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize