I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
