There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
