My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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