It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
