the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize